So I'm sitting her on sickbay (couch) passing the time by watching tv. My kitty named Patrick is all nestled up on the dinning room chair, and my other kitty Emmy is probably hiding under the bed. And my honey and my fiance' Jason is at work.
I figured today is finally the day I will start my diary. I must write down or at least jot down these words that I somewhat suppress from the world. I must start it out with a big bang 'literally' by saying how freaking sick I am of big breasts. Let me rephrase that! I am utterly sick and insecure about my own self that these things that have been taunting me since I can remember keep attacking me like a virus. Oh they do go away, but only for a little while! Then something triggers it...Let me tell you first how it alllll started!
I knew of people in school who had big breast. This one in particular in 7th grade was my first experience. Her name was Kathy but I will leave out her last name(at least I know who she is). Well she was such a nice person to everyone. Even to me! I say this because I considered myself so 'uncool'. I wore the same outfit practically everyday, because I was a fat girl. I still am! Anyways, this Kathy girl was in my class. She wore tank top shirts, because it was Florida! Hot hot hot! So outfits she wore were always low cut shirts. Either because she wanted the world to know she had big big big boobs or because the shirts she did buy where just to small. I dont know ! The point of the matter is I had a crush on this guy...now for the life of me I can't remember. I might have been...well it doesn't matter! What matters is he was so cute and I would see him everyday. That smile and all. He had blond hair blue eyes and fit with brains! Well I was this fat manly looking girl with a witches chin. I wore this outfit my mom bought me from walmart that was fruit a loom or something. It was purple on purple, and I was called all sorts of things. See the things is i didn't realize I had a problem till people let me know. I was called plum, grape any fruit that was fit to be round! I figured out if I didn't talk to anybody unless they talked to me. I would be okay.
Anyways back to my life long dilemma (meaning double proposition-or envolving two problems!) My first problem was Big boob Kathy. My second was myself. I can honestly say I hate both at that moment. I DO have good days. Well I can remember this one day in particular where I wanted to finally tell this boy. So I got up the courage and wrote on a little piece of scratch paper 'do you like me? yes or no'. I had one of these girls who sat at my lunch table give it to him. I don't know how I got it back from him, but he had circled 'or'. I cried! I guess it was better than no, but gosh I really thought it would be 'yes'. I knew than that I was never going to be a boyfriend for a long long time! I couldn't stand the rejection! So I decided to just keep quiet. This is what worked best for me. Pretend like nothing happened.
Well I don't think a month went by where I heard Kathy started dating my crush. I guess I sort of couldn't believe it at first. But then I started realizing that the big breast had a BIG role. Well I then wanted to know 'or' WHY 'OR'!?!?! So I took action the wrong way. When I got home from school I immediately went for the phone book. YUP! the phone book. So I found his last name, which was kinda rare especially in this small town I was living in that it would be easy to find him! So I called all five listed. First one....no. Second....no. Third .... HE ANSWERED! I hung up ! I knew I had his phone number at my disposal. And in those days that was a big big thing! I didn't much after that day, because I was so afraid! Then finally I realized that I HAD to find out why!? So Kathy had those big breasts and I was so envious of her. She was in my two of my classes. Chorus and the other unknown? But I remember she had braces like me. I looked terrible in them! Her stories where that his gum got stuck in her braces. Made me crazy. Then he would stare at her boobs and she would look at him and say stop that! Ooooh like it wasn't what she wanted? Riiiiiight! So from then on I have been traumatized and hellishly angry at the women with these macro boobs!
To make matters worse my ex-boyfriend use to swear that he loved the size of my breast. But something just wasnt right. He had lots of parties all the time. (it was likely for our age though). But there was lots of girls there with huge breast. And I used to get so angry. The man really was white trash now that I think about it. He was so sweet,but his flaw was he hid his deep wishes'. And I deep down knew it was all a lie....what he really wanted. I was inept (in case you dont know my reason for using that word....lacking in fitness or aptitude is not what I meant exactly...I meant not suitable for time,place,occasion. And now man can;t try to fool me when it comes to that! Oh and by the way he found somebody a few years back who has big breast, and they had a kid.
Well back to the story. So I'm engaged to a handsome blond hair blue eye big wonderful teddybear. He is wonderful to me in every way that he can possibly be. Listens to me, offers to help me in anything. He would do anything for me.Fix things around the house. Come get me in a bind...type of guy! But this one thing....he likes to watch women with big breast bounce there boobs in front of a camera. Now you tell me from all my past experiences how I would react to this. BAD! Well everyday is a constant challenge for me. I'm always trying to forget what he does when I'm NOT HOME! There is sometimes that days go by where he does it twice a day. But he will skip a couple days after that. What do I do? Its all he watches when I comes to re leaving himself. I asked oh yes, why don't you watch something new? He hasn't even tried too! It doesn't do anything for him. Which wouldn't it leave you to believe secretly he wants somebody with big breast! Well I could say some women would agree?
Let me put this in perspective to a male reader....And excuse me for getting more graphic here. But if all I watched was men with big colossal penis ever porn I viewed. How would you feel? Inept possibly? Thats the only thing I could get off on!? Now you tell me how that would make a person feel....
So all you men out there who have girls for friends and they have large breast just like my man does. It's a very uncomfortable environment when you have to hang out with them once a year. VERY! And the worst thing is that if the man your going to marry says maybe its not a good idea that we hang with each others friends. Because how jealous I get after wards.
Please write to me if anyone is listening out there!
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